7/18

It’s been a month since I’ve come back home. I’m doing pretty okay!

I’ve started (in person!) therapy with someone who specializes in grief counseling, and I’ve sent an email to the a grief support group for people up to 40 years old who’ve lost someone close to them. I guess I’m going to be one of those people “hi, I’m A”…”hiiii, A”. Or is that just AA? Guess I’ll find out.

Anyway it’s been a month. And I was thinking “wow, I’m actually doing okay. I don’t think about it all the time. I’m able to have pretty normal…

…and then I was sitting in the All Staff meeting this morning, when I just had this overwhelming thought of “oh my god, your dad is dead. He’s gone. Like not coming back gone. Never going to talk to him again gone.” And it came with a split second flashback of him in the hospital, then him in hospice. 

I was caught so off guard by it that I think I probably made an insane out-of-context-for-a-boring-meeting-face for a second. But I was at work, so I forced myself to snap back into it and smiled myself into forced concentration on the subject, like one of those movies where the sound designer intentionally blurs the background sound until the character snaps back to someone saying “Hey, A! What do you think about the new merger?”

The rest of the day was fine. I took a walk to a good poke place for lunch, tried to reset a bit. But I got in my car to go home, and it happened again. Just a quick flash and the overwhelming thought of “you can’t call him. Don’t even try. Why would you even think that?” 

I luckily snapped back to reality pretty quickly because I had to look up directions to where I was meeting someone. But then I was at a beautiful park, having a picnic, gazing out at the mountains and thinking “wow, this is exactly the weather I spoke about in my dad’s prayer. I hope it’s exactly like this every day for him.” This was the first positive thought I’d had about my dad all day, but it still took me out of the moment for a second. Or maybe it was more than a second, I’m not sure how long I was staring.

My therapist pointed out that our society is really grief adverse. “Grief is naturally avoidant” another wise person told me. I’ve noticed that they’re right. No one at work ever asks how I’m doing, they barely even acknowledged it when I came back.Everyone tiptoed around me for about a week, and when they could see “oh it’s still her” everything went back to “normal”. The only person to even talk about it was my boss, who wasn’t raised in America, so maybe doesn’t feel the same aversion.

My friends here don’t ask about it. DK is the only person who still checks in specifically about grief, and when she does I get annoyed, even when I really appreciate it. Some friends never talk about it (which is fitting for them) and AJ is…AJ. She always leaves space for whatever I need. AA is amazing, and kind, and understanding, but I feel a lack of connection to him lately. Maybe because he just doesn’t…understand. Even as hard as he tries.

Or maybe I just can’t connect to anyone right now. Maybe the grief group will help, if they ever do email me back.

Huh, maybe I’m not doing okay.