What if it gets worse

{Don’t start here – start with 9/6. What then: when to skirt around reality. Or at least start with 5/16 if you don’t care *why* I’m doing this, you just want to know how my dad died…}

Trigger warning: dead dad, heart stuff, brain stuff, stroke stuff, ICU stuff. He doesn’t make it out of this story alive, and it’s…a lot. I’ll try to keep out the gory details, but…sorry, it’s sad.

I woke up at about 3:30 am to four missed calls and another from my mom. Today was the day they were supposed to go to get the final OK from the doctor to operate. 

I immediately knew.

The brain bleed had gotten worse and we had to decide whether or not to operate, knowing full well that putting him under anesthesia would likely kill him. But if we did nothing, he would be in a medically induced coma until we decided to end his life.

We couldn’t get in touch with my brother, so she and I made the decision to do the surgery. We had to try. He would want us to try. And after one of the worst panic attacks of my life, I got myself together enough to go get my brother and get to the airport.

We got on a plane leaving at 7 am and turned off our phones. And when we landed, he was still alive. We couldn’t believe it.

And the next seven days were the worst of my life.

I won’t get into all the details because frankly, I’m just not able. He was there, but not. He was aware, but not. He was making progress – incredible progress, hope-giving progress, and then he declined. 

And it ended in what seemed like a month but was only seven days later, with him in hospice, and us saying goodbye.

{Someday, I’ll go through All the Things You Should Know When Your Loved One Dies, but I’ll start with – if you can have your loved one go through a hospice facility, don’t hesitate. The people there were some of the most compassionate, kind, empathetic people I’ve ever met. I hugged a nurse after I said goodbye, and she cried with me and it didn’t feel like she does this every day, even though she does.}

And then, on May 23rd, two months to the day after his 72nd birthday, after the hardest fight to stay with us, he died. 

What then.