9/7

Today we went to a friend of aa’s for bbq. Real bbq, not a “barbecue” like the people out here say when they mean a cookout (for real, who taught a whole ass group of people that a grill is a barbecue…if it’s not smoking meat, it’s not a bbq). Anyway. I hadn’t spent any time with these folks yet. Nice people! It was nice spending time with them (and the ribs were fantastic). 

And they Didn’t Know. Which was a relief. No one asked me about it not because they were avoiding it, but because they didn’t know. *Phew.*

Of course, however, they asked about my parents, where I’m from, etc. And I made the conscious decision in the moment not to talk about It. I would talk about my dad just like normal, and not lie or talk about him in present tense, but to talk about him as if he “were”, and leave it at that. I called their house “my mom’s house” and talked about how I’d love for her to move out here. I told stories about my dad from my childhood and early adulthood in past tense because that’s what they are anyway. I talked about how I lost a lot of this summer because I spent a month back in my hometown, but I assume they think I mean a vacation to spend time with my family.

And I was partially proud of myself; no accidental trauma dumping, no being a wet blanket (insert “Debby Downer Feline Aids meme here), no having to go through the details without re-traumatizing myself. I always have an oversharing/overtalking problem, so this felt like a win! I didn’t bum anyone out, including myself! But then I felt like I erased him somehow. 

But then I left thinking “did she think my parents got divorced and I just don’t talk to my dad?” or “Does he catch the past tense?”

Let’s be clear, I consciously know that it doesn’t matter what they think. They’re nice people, and if we continue to hang out, I’ll likely explain it at some point. But today, for the first time, I found myself skirting around reality and it felt…weird. 

I wonder if that is what other people do. I think about how a friend is a Double Bummer Member of the DPC (Dead Parent Club) and I know that now, but only through context clues over time. The past tense, the jokes about mother’s day, the lack of a story when everyone else is talking about their funny dad. Is that what we have to become for the sake of others, or is this self-preservation the best for everyone? And when does that get easier, more natural, or does it always involve a little code-switching into “I might have a perfectly healthy alive parent, that’s just none of your business” and leave them to infer behind your back. 

That’s honestly one of the reasons I’m even writing these little entries. Some part of me wants people to know without me having to explain it to them. So when I talk about my dad in past tense, they just…know already. In the silliest way, it’s like how I feel about a breakup of two influencers. Everyone knew how much I loved my dad, so when he disappeared, people have a right to know. No one “followed” that relationship, but if they were my friends, they inevitably have a right to know, and I have a right to never have to tell them if I don’t want.

But I do want, so I guess this is me telling them (you). 

This is what happened. And it fucking sucked (does losing one’s parent ever not suck?). 

Ask me about it if you want, or don’t, because you’ll already know.

(now’s when you go to the next blog post…I did these in order..)